Religion of Forgiveness
by LittleMissEmo
Summary: “Don’t let go Bella,” He whispers. But I already have.' Alice comes back to an entirely different situation at the end of New Moon. She didnt see a cliff, she saw a knife. What has Bella done? Very angsty and sad! DARK THEMES! R
1. Prologue

**A/N:**DON'T ASK!! I was randomly feeling utterly and completley depressed and just started writting. This is the end result. Based in new moon when alice comes back for bella but its my own universe... kind of... so things are a little different. Well enjoy... btw, im thinking of turning this into an actual story but i wont be able to update for about three to four weeks because i start exams next week. if im done studying then i might be able to update sooner

_Religion of Forgiveness: Prolouge_

All I want is to feel alive, to brush this cloak of melancholy away and start again. But it was never meant to be like that. I watch as the blood wells in the cut on my arm. Is it finally the end for me? I think not. God wants me to suffer a little more before he puts me out of my misery. I can't… I can't take it because there's nothing. Not anymore. There's only the blood pulsing steadily from my arm. It's captivating. Crimson against the stark white of my wasted skin. I watch as droplets splash onto the white tiles. So beautiful. So deadly. Why am I sad? What makes me this way? I press my finger to the wound and revel in the fresh wave of pain that sears through my body. Slowly, I lower my hand to the floor, my index finger pointed.

"I once was lost, but now am found"

The words are messy. My hand is shaking. But they're still plausible. I never believed in religion, but I always valued music. The words fall of my trembling lips as the world starts to blur and shimmer around me.

"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost, but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see…"

Footsteps. Cruel, harsh, loud footsteps thud along the floor. My head is throbbing. Why can't people just leave me alone? I want it to be over, but they keep bringing me back. Their faces begin to loom in my mind. Councillors, psychiatrists, doctors. None of them understand. All they do is prod and poke, making raw the healing wounds. I want to yell, no the scream at them. To bite and scratch and hurt others so that maybe they might feel my pain. But I don't. My blood keeps dripping, slowly, thickly. Out of my arm flows my life force, my essence. The bathroom door is forcefully opened. I smile up at him, that malicious little smile that comes so easily to my face now.

"Look at what you have done," I barley whisper.

My head thuds back to the cabinet behind me and I close my eyes. I struggle to open them again. But when I do, he's gone. He was never there. I imagined it. I imagined his agonised face, his trembling hands, his unholy beauty. The bathroom door is still closed. I'm still alone. As my mind slips into a blissful state of unconsciousness, I hear a voice. A voice I have ached to hear for an entire year.

"Don't let go Bella," He whispers.

But I already have.


	2. Burn!

**A/N:** I'm rally surprised by the amount of support this story has gotten so far… its just so emo! Lol… thankyou so much everyone for your awesome reviews! Special mention to inkypinkyanna for the review… "Oh, My, Carlisle" love it!!!

**Disclaimer:** don't own anything… just borrowing.

**Song: **March of the Martyrs –OTEP

_Chapter 1: Burn!_

Noise. So much of it. Screaming and crying. Ear piercing shrieks and anguished howls. Everything is clambering into my mind. Squeezing through every opening and congealing inside my brain. And then it stops. Just like him, it was never there. My mind is brought back into clarity with the feel of cold, hard hands on my skin. I so desperately want to open my eyes, to see who's there. It's like there's a fog covering my senses. My mind is awake and alive, yet my body seems unresponsive. Black. That's all I see. Everything is dead.

"Bella…you… going… Carlisle…"

The woman's voice is fading in and out. I try to listen, to make sense of what she's saying but I can't. It's like trying to tune into a radio station when you're in the middle of nowhere. All you here is crackling snippets, broken conversations. I can feel air rushing around me, like I'm moving at a lighting speed pace. The cold, rock hard arms carry me like a child to an unknown destination. We stop moving and I'm placed on something cool and soft. Leather. The moment of respite is rudely interrupted by little fingers digging into my shoulders as my body is shaken lightly. My mind is detached, floating up high. From this vantage point my physical form seems dead.

Crack!

The noise resonates throughout me and my conciseness slams back into my body. First all I feel is the screaming, burning pain that is searing my arms. Then I hear soft footsteps of concrete and the gentle opening of a car door.

Crack!

The car door is slammed closed. The engine purrs to life and I can feel the car moving. I take a deep breath and push the pain to the back of my mind. I drag my eyes open. It's a little blurry, but I guess that can be expected when I've lost so much blood. Blood. The smell of it crashes my senses. I look down to my arms which are wrapped tightly in white bandages. Two achingly sick feelings slither around my stomach. One is the realisation of what I've done. The other is that I failed.

So many days of picking up the blade and then throwing it back down, not having the guts to pull it down my arm. Every time I looked at it, saw the light blue veins beneath my translucent skin, I would chicken out. Thoughts about everything like Jacob and Charlie and Renne and… him would fly through my mind at one hundred miles per hour. My instincts screamed at me to put the knife down but my heart, what's left of it anyway, kept telling me that then I would know how he felt. I would know how it felt to be dead. But I guess I already did. Months of sadness had sucked me dry of anything that could be considered life. I was an empty husk of a person.

Sluggishly, I lifted my eyes to survey my surroundings. I was in a car that was travelling far to fast. It was new and expensive. It screamed Cullen. My mind was slowing considerably. I had waited for this for so long and now that someone had come for me it was too late. I can feel my heart slowing. I've lost too much blood. I'm going to die. Funny how when you get the one thing you dream of most for so long, you realise just how much you don't want it.

My head rolls to the side slowly and I look at the person driving the car. My eyes meet two very black ones. Her expression is something I've never seen before. She's terrified. If she could cry, then she would be in a constant state of tears right now.

"Alice," I barely whisper. I can hardly breathe, let alone speak.

"Don't. Don't say anything. Conserve you strength. It's going to be fine. Everything will be fine. I'm taking you to Carlisle. He'll fix you, just wait and see. You're going to be fine. Just fine…" her voice broke and she looked back at the road.

"Your back…you came for me…" I rasp.

My breath is coming out in short, sharp pants. My chest is constricting. Alice looks back at me and I can feel the car accelerating. She lifts a hand from the steering wheel and I can see the indentations of her fingers. My eyes start to close but she reaches to me and shakes me back awake.

"Don't give up now Bella… please… stay with me… please," she begs me, her voice dropping to a whisper.

What she says brings back the memory of his voice.

"Where is he," I whisper. "I heard him. I heard his voice. Tell me what happened. How… did you… find… me?" I can hardly breathe. Each word gets fainter and my eyes start to drift closed once more. She shakes me again.

"Stay with me Bella, listen to my voice," Alice pleads. "He was never here, you must have been imagining it," she says gently.

The crushing disappointment makes my chest ache. Tears escape from my eyes. Why didn't he come for me when I needed him the most? Why? A sob escapes me. He doesn't love me. I guess he never did. He was always going to leave me in the end. Why would he love _me_ anyway? I'm plain and boring and… human.

"Bella, please. Don't cry. He did it for you, to protect you. He forbade me… all of us from interfering. He stopped me from even looking for your future. But then I saw the knife… just yesterday morning and I couldn't stay away. I saw you in the bathroom and the blood. So much blood. And then… then I walked up the stairs and through that door and you were just limp on the floor. All that blood…"

I suddenly realised how hard this must be for her. How could I be so selfish? I can't do anything right. No wonder he left me.

"Then you looked at me, but you didn't see me. I guess I know who you saw. And what you said… that smile… I knew there was only one thing to do. I wrapped up your arm and brought you down to the car. I'm taking you far away from anywhere… Carlisle came with me when I told him what I saw. He's going to fix you. He's going to make it better."

I could feel the blood seeping though the bandage. Alice's eyes flashed to it.

"I'm… so sorry… Alice. I'm sorry… that… this is hard… for you. I… I… w-what about… Charlie?" It was hard enough to keep my eyes open but to speak was wasting what little strength I had left, but I had to know.

"Don't worry Bella, I'm fine. I'm sorry about Charlie. I had to… you know what?" her voice was suddenly cheery but I could hear through the façade. "Everything is going to be fine. It's all going to work out. Just you wait and see." She smiled at me before looking back to the road.

We suddenly turned down a small dirt road. If I had been driving, I wouldn't have noticed it. The forest surrounding us subtly opened like a large animal trail. For about ten minutes we drove through a blur of green. My mind was becoming fuzzy and Alice had to shake me about three more times to keep me from drifting out of conciseness. The green around us abruptly parted as we entered a small clearing. To the left was a small cottage. The single window glowed in the darkness. Standing in front of the door was an angel. His golden hair was illuminated creating a glow on his careworn face. I suddenly realised that I was staring at Carlisle.

The car stopped and there he was. One instant forty feet away, the next opening the car door. Alice was suddenly next to him. He pulled me into his arms and looked at Alice a moment before running to the cottage. I took in my surroundings slowly. My eyes wouldn't move as soon as I commanded them anymore. In one corner there was a fire that lit the single room with a rocking chair next to it, in the other was a small bed. Carlisle placed me down on the hard mattress and knelt down next to me. Alice followed suit and took my hand in her tiny one. I closed my eyes for a moment. Darkness began to creep through my slowing mind, but then Alice spoke.

"Carlisle… please you have to do it. She's lost to much blood and we don't have the resources to save her with a transfusion. When I found her… I thought… I thought I was too late. Please, do it for Edward."

His name. She had said his name. The pain in my arm was overtaken by the gut wrenching tear in my chest.

"You have to do it now!" Alice suddenly shrieked. "Listen to her heart. Do you hear how slow it is? We're going to loose her! Please!"

"He will never forgive me," Carlisle muttered to her. "Bella, open you eyes. Look at me."

I slowly lifted my lids. They were so heavy. Carlisle's face was hovering over me. He must have hunted recently because his eyes were glowing butterscotch.

"Look me in the eye Bella, I need you to hear me."

As hard as it was, I held his gaze.

"You need to leave now Alice," he whispered.

I went to protest but he shook his head. All I heard was the door closing.

"Bella… I'm sorry," he whispered as he lowered his face to my neck.

He was going to change me. That's what Alice had been talking about when she said he would fix me, make everything better. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. Lord knows I deserved it. The fuzziness disappeared as his teeth pierced my skin. Felt his tongue across my skin, closing the wound. He was suddenly moving all around me, biting me in different place. The pain was excruciating. At least that's what I thought. Then the fire began. At first it was an uncomfortable heat. Then it began to grow, spreading around my body. I clamped my mouth shut and tensed my body. The burning began at my toes. And indescribable, excruciating, bewildering fire within my skin. And this was all just in my toes. All the breaks and sprains and scrapes that I had suffered in my life were nothing compared to this feeling. I'd gladly take them over this now.

The fire began to creep up my legs, throbbing in time with my slowing heart. I felt two hands on my chest, pumping it up and down, keeping me going. With each pump, a wave of heat and pain would sear down my legs. I wanted to scream and cry and claw at them, but I wouldn't move. I kept myself still as a statue. The burning started to tingle in my fingertips, like waves lapping at the shore. The waves rose higher, encompassing my hands. As if the combination of the throbbing in my legs and the searing in my hands, the crown of my head slowly started to burn. First it was like the sun on my skull, then like scolding water, then like a raging fire and now… now there isn't anything to describe the pain that I'm in. It's overwhelming. My brain scrambles to concentrate on every different direction that the pain closed in around me.

Time passes. I don't know how long but it feels like years, centuries. Slowly the excruciating throbbing moves closer to my heart. It comes in waves, each worse than the next. Still I haven't moved. Still I haven't screamed. My burning muscles are tense. Suddenly the fire reaches my lungs. Every breath is like I'm breathing in fire, like a thousand needles are being jabbed into my windpipe simultaneously. For a moment the wave was less painful than the others any my mind could think of something else.

His face came into my mind the moment that the wave subsided. Whilst looking into his unholy beauty, an agony that I couldn't imagine burned through me. Through my legs and arms and head and lungs. Something snapped in my mind. His loving expression change to one of cruel joy and his eyes burned like flames, like me. He opened his mouth and screamed. My ears registered a scream somewhere in the distance and I realised it was me. I clamped my mouth shut again. The image in my mind laughed a malicious laugh and looked at me. His voice whispered through my mind, laced with spiteful menace.

"Burn!"

Just at that moment my heart picked up speed. The heat doubled, tripled, quadrupled. Everything turned red. His image was washed away by throb after throb of pain. They grew more frequent, going in time with my speeding heart. _thud-thud thud-thud thud-thud thud-thud!_ Faster, faster, faster until everything exploded into fire. And then it stopped. My heart stuttered. _Thud- thud thud-._ And stopped. The burning retreated into the centre of my chest. My heart stuttered again. The pain left my arms, my legs, my head and my lungs until it was only in my heart. And then, with one last beat, the pain whooshed out of me as if I was letting go of my breath after I had held it to long.

I still didn't move. My mind, my thought everything flooded back into my mind with the absence of the pain. There was suddenly all this extra room. And then I heard them.

"Is it over Carlisle?" a voice asked quietly.

"I believe so. We almost lost her you know."

Footsteps on grass walked toward me. They were muffled by thin walls, but I could still hear them as clear as day. One set were gentle and precise, while the other moved in a rhythm, like dancing. I knew who they were instantly. Carlisle and Alice.

"She didn't move or scream. That's not normal." Alice whispered.

"No… no it isn't."

Suddenly Alice's footsteps stopped, followed quickly by Carlisle's.

"Alice, what is it?"

For a time there was no answer.

"Oh no… no! Something's gone wrong… I can't see it properly though… it has to do with the change. She… her memory… her mind… there's a word… a name that we can't say because… aaahhrrr," Alice growled, "it's so frustrating!"

"Don't worry, we'll know in time. Look, you need to go back to Italy and organise everything. I think she's going to need some time alone. I'll see you in a few days."

"Okay…" Alice trailed off. "I don't see anything drastic. I'll see you soon."

Alice stated to walk in the other direction, toward the car I guess. The door slammed closed and the car purred to life. I listened to the radio, it was the weather report. The car drove down the dirt road at a fast pace, ten minutes later I could still hear the weather report faintly. I heard the change form the dirt road to bitumen and then nothing but the fading engine and Alice singing along with the radio. Then she was gone. The other foot steps walked slowly, well at a human jog, to the door and stopped for a moment. I kept my eyes closed as the hinges whined quietly, a noise to quiet for human ears. Carlisle stepped into the room, leaving the door open. I could hear him moving toward the bed. He stopped and all I could hear of him was his slow, steady breathing.

"Bella."

I opened my eyes. It was like being reborn. I was seeing like I had never seen before. Every detail in the low roof was magnified by one hundred. Tiny sparkles twinkled in a ray of sunlight coming from the open door. Just from that ray I could tell it was early morning and that the sky was just clearing after rain. I breathed deeply through my nose. It felt like I could smell everything within a hundred mile radius. From the smell of the air after rain to the damp, decaying leaves on the forest floor. All of these thoughts passed through my mind at a lightning speed. It took me a little less than an eighth of a second to sum up my surroundings. I felt an overwhelming need to be up and moving and suddenly I was standing. The movement caught me off guard for a moment. As soon as I had considered standing, I was on my feet. I looked toward the steady breathing and felt an odd urge to blink. There was Carlisle, looking down at me somewhat warily. It was like I had never seen him before. His face shone, glowed like it was lit from beneath by the sun.

"How are you?" he asked gently.

"I'm… overwhelmed, amazed… I don't even know… everything is so clear," I said, amazed by the sound of my voice. It was like a chorus of tinkering bells.

I looked around the little cottage, my gaze resting on the clearing just outside the door. A gentle breeze flowed through the opening, bringing the scent of something warm and alive and… tantalising. A different kind of fire from before flared to life in the back of my throat. It was a dry, aching burn. I could feel venom pooling slightly in my mouth. I was so… thirsty. I looked back to Carlisle and his wary expression had changed to a gentle smile.

"You must be thirsty," he said and smiled.

I smiled tentatively back and nodded.

"Come on then, let's hunt."

**A/N: **so there you have it, chapter two. Sorry for taking so long to update this… it's been a hectic few weeks to say the least. I wanted to do my own spin on her change seeing as they didn't have any morphine so I hope you like it. Leave love!!

-ACV-


	3. Scent

**A/N:** I love this chapter! I would have to say that it's my favourite so far… it was really fun to write but I'm sorry it took so long. I really have to get in the 'emo' mood for this story - not so much this chapter but the others – so it takes a little longer to write seeing as I rarely feel emo. Thankyou sooo much for you fabulous reviews everyone but I have to say another special mention to inkypinkyanna. YOU RULE!! Thankyou so much for you awesome review… it made me smile for about ten minutes!! Oh and you rule again for recommending my story! Sorry if everyone else feels neglected… please don't! I love you all!!

**Disclaimer:** don't own… just borrowing.

**Song: **Faint – Linkin Park

_Chapter 2: Scent_

Run. Faster. Speeding. The air rushes past my face. Leaves and branches caress my body like gentle hands. I hear whispers through the wind, calling me to the hunt. My nostrils flare. Flowing blood, warm and hot, being pumped around a sinuous body. I skid to a stop, not even noticing Carlisle beside me anymore. Listen closely. Focus. Ignore the smaller and unimportant animals. I can hear it, sitting one hundred feet up on the branch of a tree.

Claws scrape bark, fur brushes leaves. It's close, about a mile away. Venom pools in my mouth. My mind is only on the hunt. Not on all of the things that have happened or will happen, just on the present. I hear Carlisle shift beside me and air flows up my throat, passing my lips as a violent hiss. I'm not Bella anymore. I'm a predator and my prey is waiting. If anything comes between me and it, I will stop them by any means possible.

Carlisle takes a step back, signalling that he won't interfere. With this sign, I take off at a flying pace. The low-hanging mist coats me like a second skin. The gloomy setting lulls my mind into a trance like state. I slow to a more reasonable pace and then stop. The tree is about one hundred meters away. My new eyesight zooms in on the animal. It has tawny fur, long claws and sharp teeth. Mountain Lion. This should have scared the hell out of me, but my lips curve themselves into a malicious smile and my muscles tense in preparation to jump.

I take two leaping bounds forward on the balls of my feet and push into the air. The feeling blows my mind. I can feel every muscle adjusting and moving, controlling my movement through the air. Although I'm travelling at an immense speed, my mind is faster and everything around me seems to slow down. The tree branch that holds the animal makes its way slowly toward me, the animal unaware of my silent decent. I land lightly without the lion noticing and a mist suddenly shrouds the branch. As quickly as it came, the mist passes revealing the mighty animal crouching, about to pounce.

Just as the animal leaps, I latch onto its back. The animal screeches. As we freefall, I latch my mouth onto the animals neck, cutting through the fur, fat and muscle like a warm knife through butter. The taste is like nothing I have ever experienced. Warm and sweet. There's a slight tang, and my new mind indicates to me that this type of prey is only a substitute. The burning at the back of my throat washes away with each gulp. Before I even hit the ground the animal is drained dry. As the ground approaches, I manoeuvre the cat so that it's slung over my shoulders. The balls of my feet hit the ground gently.

Carlisle is standing about thirty meters away, looking at me with a curious expression on his face. I take a step toward him however am put off by the odd sloshy feeling throughout my body. I hear quiet laughter and look over to the source. There's a gentle smile on his face and he shakes his head.

"You'll get used to it," he says quietly.

I smile as I walk over to some bushes and place the body of the cat beneath them. Although i feel oddly full, the back of my throat still burns gently, like a smouldering fire. I guess it's just something that I will have to get used to. I turn back to Carlisle and begin to walk toward him when I hear a small sound. My body reacts automatically and before I know it, I'm in a defensive crouch.

Suddenly a tiny bundle of tawny fur explodes form the bushes beside the tree. The scent hits me first, the same as before, however just as I'm about to pounce, my mind registers what I'm seeing. Jumping and pouncing in front of me is a miniature of the animal that I just fed off. Its tiny little body is a blur of fur as it jumps around. Its making the most adorable little growl noises. It spins around and I'm confronted with cutest thing I have ever seen. Two big black button eyes and a little button nose. It snarls delicately at me and paws the air with its claws.

Everything clicks. This is a mountain lion cub. And I just killed its mother. Now this poor, defenceless little baby will die and all because of me. I'm a monster. I blink a few times, feeling an overwhelming need to cry, but no tears come. The little bundle runs up to me, growls again, and crouches on its front paws, ready to pounce. Its little tail flicks and twitches in the air as it adjusts its pose.

Suddenly, the bundle flings itself at me. The world slows and my hand flicks out to gently cradle the little animal before it hurts its self. For a moment it struggles, growling, until its nose brushes along my skin. It stops, dead still. The temperature of my skin and my scent should have alerted me as a predator, but after a second it purrs and snuggles into my arms.

I stiffen in surprise. Doesn't this little creature understand that I could kill it in an instant, that I'm dangerous… that I'm a monster? My throat burns, but its easy to ignore. The warmth is amazing. That this little animal is could produce so much heat astonishes me. But what amazes me the most is that after a tiny moment of doubt; this fragile individual has chosen to trust me completely.

The cub roles over in my arms and yawns, closing its big black eyes. I hear soft footfalls advancing toward me, but am too captivated by that animal in my arms.

"She's beautiful," Carlisle whispers.

"Artemis." The name pops into my mind randomly, but as soon as I've said it, she opens an eye and looks at me sleepily.

"Greek Goddess of the Hunt. Very appropriate," Carlisle states matter-of-factly.

"Yes…" I trail off.

"Come on Bella… its getting late."

I looked through the leafy canopy and mist to the sky. It was a fabulous dusky pink with streaks of blue and orange. It actually surprised me how long we had been out here hunting, seeing as we left in the morning. I glanced back down to the sleeping creature in my arms. She really was amazing… so perfect and fragile but with so much life and spirit. Artemis. She would easily live up to that name.

"Why do we have to go back?" I asked, looking back at Carlisle.

"Well, if you intended to keep that beautiful little creature alive, then she is going to need to be hand fed and looked after for quite some time. It is highly likely that she is lactose intolerant so we'll keep her on lactose free milk for a while. Once she reaches around eight weeks we'll start to feed her meat."

I stared at him unblinking for a while until he smiled and chuckled a little.

"When sleep is impossible, you'll find yourself willing to do anything to pass the time. Come on," Carlisle said before turning in what I assumed to be the direction of the little rundown hut. He looked back at me for a moment before smiling and darting off.

I gently shifted Artemis in my arms so that she was more protected and flew off after him. As I ran, I thought. I could feel something lingering at the edge of my mind, waiting for me. I knew who I was and I knew where I was – well generally speaking – but that was all. This day was like the first day of my life. To my current knowledge, I had no past or future. Just the now. I liked it. It made me feel free.

As I reached the hut, Carlisle walked out with a small bowl in his hand. I sniffed the air and the scent of it immediately disgusted me. I wrinkled my nose.

"Let me guess… milk?" I asked him.

Just as he went to answer, Artemis's head popped up and her nose twitched. She looked up at me briefly before vaulting from my arms and landing in a clumsy heap on the grassy floor. A clear, bell like noise rang through the clearing. To say it startled me was an understatement. I looked around wildly for a moment, trying to see who it was when a similar, yet deeper sound burst out next to me. I looked in the direction of the noise and saw Carlisle clutching his side and shacking.

Oh. He was laughing. But at who? Oh. I suddenly understood. That was me before, laughing as Artemis hit the ground. Laughter. A giggle bubbled up through my chest and flew past my lips. Once I started I couldn't stop. I barley noticed Carlisle placing the bowl on the floor – while still laughing – and little Emy lunging toward it with so much enthusiasm that she tripped over her own feet. This just made me laugh even harder.

Slowly my giggles subsided and I looked down at Emy with a large smile. I could feel the wind playing with my hair at the back of my head, rustling each individual strand. A clam entered my body as I watched Emy delicately eat her meal.

I looked up at Carlisle who smiled lazily. "I think she-"

Suddenly the wind changed direction and hit me in the face. I smelt two things instantly. The first was change. The second… human. Human blood.

**A/N:** HA! Cliffy I know… but I can't help it!! It's so exciting! Now just to warn you… the story is going to take a very significant turn in the next chapter (or chapter_s _depending on how long it is). I don't want to give anything way but I want you to remember… keep an open mind. Oh and everything happens for a reason. Btw... sorry that this chappy is a little short, however its a lot of block writing so I hope thats alright. Leave Love!

P.S. It's true that baby animals are often lactose intolerant. We had puppies not long ago... and I looked it up on the interent.

_LittleMissEmo_


	4. Monster

**A/N:** Sorry about the long time no update… this story is hard to get inspiration for…. I'm not an angsty person general so I really have to get into the swing of it. And I don't know when I will be able to update in the future as I'm in year 12 now and have no time to even think… my head it exploding, I sware…

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything... 'cept the plot :P

**Song: **Roadside – Rise Against

_Chapter 3: Monster_

Venom tore its way down my throat. The wind swirled past my face, tempting me in a way that I could never imagine. The scent was sweet and warm and… alive! Somewhere in the background I could hear a voice, warning me, telling me to turn away from the wind. My reverie was broken by a strong grip on my shoulder. The instant I felt the hand touch me I spun and grabbed his wrist. I was looking at Carlisle. My mind knew this. He was trying to help me. But my instincts were stronger than my mind.

A violent hiss flew up my throat followed by a brutal snarl. Part of me was disgusted by the way I was reacting. The rest of me knew no reason. There was only the kill. Only the feed. Only the instinct. I tore myself away from Carlisle's strong grip with ease.

"Bella, Bella don't!" he called after me.

But I was long gone in both body and mind. Snapping branches resounded around the forest. Everything around me was a blur of greens and browns mixed in with a strange colour I couldn't name.

Closer, closer, closer! My feet sped beneath me; my hair was like a blanket of mahogany satin, streaming through the wind. I could still hear my name on the wind, still feel Carlisle's grip on my shoulder and yet I couldn't feel anything at all. Such a delicious scent, so strong, so sweet, so _tempting_. There was a voice in the back of my mind, screaming at me, begging me for some semblance of humanity. But I couldn't fight the instinct.

I was close, only a hundred meters or so away. And then I heard it, the desperate, broken cry of a man, calling for someone. But no… not just anyone… calling me.

"Bella! Bel-la!" he cried.

His voice was so familiar. For a millisecond I considered it, but the animal inside of me took over again and I could do nothing to stop the forward motion of my body. I flew into a small meadow, barely recognising it. I knew where I was, yes, but I didn't _know_. My subconscious knew, even my waking mind was slightly aware, but the beast coveting my mind did not allow any time for dwelling on the past. I just was.

The human didn't even hear me, didn't even realise that they were prey. I didn't bother to stop; just let my body slam into his. I heard the sickening crunch of bones and was mildly disgusted by how fragile humans really were; not giving the fact that it had been mere hours since I had been one myself any thought.

His cry of anguish, surprise and, belatedly, pain shook the forest. With a complete lack of grace, I sunk my teeth into his neck and sucked with a vengeance. My eyes rolled back into my head. The pleasure was too great. His blood flowed down my throat, searing my freezing insides. The human gasped and choked, trying to say something, I guess. I could feel his frantic pulse slowing, it was near the end.

With all the strength he could muster, he let out a final word.

"Bella…"

I sucked the final drop from his body, slaking my thirst for now. My mind, now free of the beast that had so utterly consumed me was free to dwell on why a human's last breath would be expended on my name. It's not like he could see me, I had hit him from behind. My curiosity quipped; I decided to see who he was.

With little care I flipped the body like a rag doll.

My breath left me in a whoosh of air.

Pain. Searing pain.

Utter anguish.

Devastation.

Horror.

Disbelief.

And last of all complete and absolute crushing grief.

What have I done?

What have I _done_!

Monster.

"Monster!"

My cry echoed around the forest like the shriek of a banshee. My knees fell to the ground, sinking into the soft, rich soil. From a careless and dismissive hold on the body, my arms wrapped themselves around him, protecting him. But from what? Of all the people in this godforsaken town why? _Why him?_

Charlie.

My father.

I had killed my own father, my own flesh and blood, the man that had loved me more than anything in the world. Not only had I killed him, but I had consumed him. Literally. I pushed him away slightly, trying to get away from what I had done. My hands were pulling at my hair, then pressing my head together, as if by pressing hard enough I could make it go away. Make it all go away, back to the way it was.

Violent sobs racked my body, but no tears fell. I screamed and wailed and clawed at my skin, trying to get away from myself. Monster, monster, monster! What have I done? My wails echoed and reverberated and folded back onto me, making every shriek and groan seem like a thousand strikes of lightning and a million booms of thunder.

A real crack of thunder shuddered the forest, and a flash of lightning lit up the darkening sky. Rain pelted onto me, slicing through my grief, cutting the wound over and over until I was left bloodied and beaten, my mind numb.

I looked up at the sky. It was well and truly dark by now. The water streamed down my face, over my body, tracing every couture, exposing every flaw. No. No physical flaws anymore. Just mental ones. Another flash of lightning. Another boom of thunder.

My wailing ceased. I sat motionless. My head dropped, my chin resting on my chest. The rain pelted. The thunder boomed. Every time the lightning flashed, I saw him, lying there. I couldn't move. I had gone numb. I just sat, my knees tucked beneath me, my arms flopped at my sides, my head dropped to my chest. Numb.

The rain stopped. Every sound was magnified by ten thousand. Every cricket, every spider, every worm. I head them all. Everything was alive in this place. Everything except me. And Charlie.

There was a foot fall beside me, but I gave it no mind. There was no room left in me for anything but grief and anger for what I had done.

A quiet whisper that I knew so well, yet didn't know at all reached my ears.

"Bella… Bella what have you done?"

**A/N:** Don't hurt me!!! Everything has a reason… and sorry about the cliffie… can anyone guess who it is?!?!? Virtual cookie goes to whoever gets it right!!! Love u all and thanks for the support! Leave love

LittleMissEmo


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